Enhancing self-esteem after a divorce - 5 top tips
Enhancing self-esteem after divorce is essential if it has been crushed. Do not let an ugly, bitter or heart-breaking divorce leave your self-esteem in tatters. You deserve better.
Getting divorced can be a dreadful experience that shatters women's self-esteem. This is especially so if your spouse has left you for another man or woman, if it came as a complete surprise, or you've been financially ruined or left as a single parent to look after the children.
Post-separation self-esteem can plummet and be taken over by loneliness, stress, depression, anxiety, anger and bitterness. This is why focusing on enhancing self-esteem is a critical activity.
How can you develop self-esteem? Here are some tips for you. They include advice from one of the women on the "Confidence for women in social situations and everday life" CDs, Sue.
Sue went through a dreadful situation and became depressed after a difficult break-up, which left her with little money and two young children to look after. She knew that enhancing self-esteem needed to be part of her recovery plan and she worked through all the issues to come out on the other side confident, successful and happy.
She tells you how she did this on the "Confidence for women in social situations and everday life" CDs. In addition, some of the steps she took are included here, along with my own tips.
Feeling at an all time low after a divorce? Be inspired by hearing Sue telling her story on our 2 CD set: Confidence for women in social situations.
Enhancing self-esteem tip 1: Take a step, any step.
Divorce can leave people overwhelmed with emotions so that everything seems black and difficult.
If you feel like this, what matters is that you take a step, a small step, any step towards a more positive direction and a more positive self-esteem. Take a step. A positive step, any step, now.
One step can lead to the next step. There is no RIGHT step that suits everyone – just start.
Don't wait to feel good. Don't wait for things to settle. Don't wait for things to feel right. Take a step. What will your next step be in enhancing self-esteem in yourself?
Enhancing self-esteem tip 2: Join a club with an interest.
One of the biggest issues people talk to me about, post-divorce, is how to go about finding new friends and new relationships. This is hard to do when your self-esteem is low. Many, quite naturally, do not want to do the rounds of nightclubs and pubs any more.
My answer is always the same. If you want to find people join a club with a specific interest.
Thus, if you have a passion for ballroom dancing, go ballroom dancing. If you love tennis, join a tennis club. If you like debating, join a debating society.
The value of this is that you will meet like-minded people, which is always a good basis for a relationship and will help you in enhancing self-esteem.
The other advantage is that you will be doing something that you like. Other people will therefore meet you when you have positive energy, which will make you attractive to others. People are attracted to those with a positive self-esteem.
If you really want to get known quickly then take up a position on the committee or help organise something or give a speech at a meeting. The organiser becomes more quickly known than the passive participants.
Join a club with a common interest and become an active member, and you'll find enhancing self-esteem in yourself happens naturally.
Gain more tips to help you feel better: Confidence for women in social situations and everyday life.
Enhancing self-esteem tip 3: Ditch the bitterness.
Self-esteem does not develop when you allow bitterness into your life. Bitterness makes people ugly. Bitterness is harmful to the person who is carrying it. Bitterness can lead you to take dreadful actions that harm yourself and others.
Sadly, I know someone whose best friend died in a house fire. It was her friend's husband who set fire to her house during their divorce. He is now in jail serving a life-term for murder. The bitterness provided no advantage to him or her, or his children, family or friends.
Revenge is NOT sweet – you are kidding yourself if you think it is. One of my favourite sayings is, "Bitterness is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die".
If you want to seek revenge it just means you feel HURT. Deep down inside you are hurting. Acknowledge this emotion and deal with the hurt. Turning it into bitterness means you want to blame someone for your hurt, when really it is the hurt you need to heal.
Enhancing self-esteem activities do not include seeking revenge or getting even. They just keep you stuck.
If you feel scared, hurt, vulnerable, insecure, anxious or angry – accept that this is the real problem and this is what you have to deal with. Revenge is just a cover for these emotions. Learn how to express your emotions safely. Seek counselling. Ditch the bitterness and let self-esteem return.
Is bitterness after your divorce poisoning you? Find the antidote on our 2 CD set: Confidence for women in social situations and everyday life.
Enhancing self-esteem tip 4: Keep a list of things you are good at.
When you have lived with someone for a long time it can be easy to have relied on them to do certain jobs in the house, or to look after some aspect of your social life, finances or other matters.
Suddenly being on your own can mean you have a loss of identity and are faced with new situations to handle on your own. This may leave you feeling insecure and lacking in self-esteem.
Keep a logbook by your bed. Each night write in it at least one thing you have done well that day. Enhancing self-esteem can be done that easily and occur each day.
After a week read it. Then do it for a month, and read it. Then do it for three months and read it. By the end of this time period you will have a long list of things you can do well.
Reading this may boost your self-esteem even when you are feeling low.
It means you will know what strengths you have to take into a new relationship (if you are at the stage of wanting one).
It means you will have a guide to help you make a decision about how you want to use your time, who you want to spend time with, what kind of work you might look for, and so on.
Keep a list of things you are good at and develop self-esteem easily.
Enhancing self-esteem tip 5: Learn new skills.
You may have been in a marriage where you stayed home to look after the children while your partner worked outside the home. Suddenly you find yourself in a situation where you have to return to work. This can challenge anyone's self-esteem. Feeling out-of-date isn't a good feeling.
Sue was faced with this situation. She hadn't worked for about 10 years. When she tried to get a job she found she was out-of-date. Administration, computers and the workplace had changed significantly in that time.
She took a big step and went back to college. She updated her skills. She learnt about computing, (having never switched one on before). She learnt a variety of computing packages. She became employable.
You can do the same. If you need new skills – go and find them. Don't simply regret what you don't have. People can learn at any age.
Get the new skills you need and as you get the skills your self-esteem will increase. You don't have to wait to have a high self-esteem before you get the skills. Get the skills and the confidence will follow.
Further information
Has your self-esteem been battered by divorce? Be inspired by hearing the whole of Sue's story. You can listen to Sue telling it herself, from the time she first heard the news that her husband was leaving her, all the way through her depression to the steps she took to develop self-esteem to become her new, strong, confident and happy self. She is a delight to learn from and a very inspiring woman. She proves that enhancing self-esteem after divorce is possible.
You can hear her story on "Confidence for women in social situations and everyday life".
These two CDs contain a series of interview with five other women as well as Sue. They tell you how to enhance your self-esteem and confidence too, in ways that are easy to apply and understand.
Click here to order your CDs now.
May you find your way through the trauma of a divorce to come out on the other side happier, and more comfortable with who you are. Enhancing self-esteem after a divorce is essential.
Written by Rachel Green: Motivational Speaker | Award-winning Communication Specialist | Confidence Coach.
Rachel is the author of 20 CDs including the 2 CD set: "Confidence for women in social situations and everyday life".
Copyright Confident Woman Australia, 2010.
NB: This article is general information only and is not provided as an alternative to obtaining professional advice from an appropriately qualified professional. Please seek the help you need from relationship specialists, psychologists or others who specialise in enhancing self-esteem.
Rachel Green
Reader Comments (2)
Also, don't be afraid to ask for help or support or to accept it when it is offered.
Chris.
I also find writing down what is going on a very useful way to release the pain of the past or upsets and to restore my self-esteem and self-confidence.
My way of doing it is to write as a free flow of consciousness without stopping or editing and only to read what I have written after I have exhausted the words flowing through my pen.
I don't stop to read what I have written until afterwards. In this way I find that ideas, thoughts and emotions are released that I didn't even know were there. I also find I can come to a deeper understanding of the issues in this way. The release of the emotions can help rebuild self-confidence and self-esteem.
There is even research showing that if you name the feeling the reactivity in the brain can lessen. All good for our self-esteem and self-confidence after a trauma such as divorce.