Mistaken identity engulfs self concept

A critical aspect of my self concept was very confused until I sorted it out at the age of 35. The trouble was I didn’t know I had any problem with it. It was all to do with my mother.

My mum was a quiet lady when I was growing up. She got her energy from going inside herself and thinking things through.

She was a smart woman, intelligent and analytical.

Her ability to pay attention to details and to remember them was a significant part of her personality. She was also very practical. She did jigsaws, made jams, sewed perfect embroidery, made beautiful quilts, defined words exactly, identified minor differences between the stamps in her stamp collection, and in so many ways noticed and remembered details.

She was also a little unusual in her decision making. In our society many women make decisions based on their personal values, the impact on the people affected by their decisions, and their feelings. My mum didn't.

She based her decisions on logic, cause and effect reasoning, and objectivity. In fact, she could best be described as unemotional, impersonal and very matter-of-fact.

Furthermore she was decisive. She liked closure on things, and got things finished. She didn't procrastinate or leave things undone, if at all possible. She was a hard worker, punctual and reliable. Meals were always on time. The housework was always done. She made clothes for my sister and myself.

All of this is typical of a particular personality type on the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (the MBTI). The MBTI is a personality profile, which suggests there are at least 16 different personality types in the world, and maybe 32.

I have since learnt that mum is a typical ISTJ on the MBTI, an Introverted, Sensate (detailed), Thinking, Judging type. And she had brought me up to be the same. She thought I was a bit of an oddball as a kid and couldn't understand some of my reactions or behaviour. Her response to this was quite natural. It was to train me to be like herself.

I was taught detail. I was encouraged to be rational and logical. I was trained in all manner of practical matters. I was constantly told to speak more quietly. I was brought up to be disciplined and hard working. In other words, I grew up thinking I was an ISTJ. My concept of myself was that I was a detailed, practical, analytical thinker.

The only trouble was my concept of myself was totally confused. However, I didn’t discover this until I completed an MBTI profile on myself when I was 35.

When I got my results I read the description of me. It seemed to fit in some ways, but it was at odds with the image I’d developed of myself.

The profile indicated that I was an iNtuitive, (N) a big picture, concept person, who finds the meaning and relationship between objects, events and items in order to make sense of them. I had never thought of myself like that. It sounded a bit vague and wishy-washy to me!

I set about observing myself. Was I iNtuitive? Did I notice the big picture first? Did I use metaphors, and symbols to make sense of the world? Was I abstract in my use of language? Yes!

What a revelation. My personality type was different from mum’s. I was not my mother’s type. I wasn't the person I'd been trained to be. I wasn't the person I thought I was.

Furthermore, my intuitive type was the opposite of the detailed (S) practical type that mum is. No wonder she had such a hard job getting me to knit and sew beautifully.

In fact, it wasn't only on this aspect of my personality that I discovered I was different. I was also a feeling (F) type. I take into account my feelings, my personal values and the impact on other people when I make decisions. I am far more people orientated than mum, and I rely on my feelings and emotions more.

There I was having been brought up to be a Sensate Thinker (ST) and I am really an Intuitive Feeler (NF). A community minded, spiritually inclined, people person! My mother's opposite. No wonder mum thought I was an oddball!

It was huge for me to clarify who I am in this way.

Now I know my real self. I am a true NF (iNtuitive Feeling type). I feel affirmed. My childhood makes more sense to me now too. Getting an accurate personality measurement has turned my life around. I am much happier now it is correct.

I grew up thinking I was a different personality from the one I really am. It was a case of mistaken identity. How stressful is that? Very. I’d spent my life trying to be someone else.

How accurate is your self concept when it comes to your personality? Do you know who you are?