Friendships nurture your self concept
What kind of friends do you have? Are they supportive, encouraging and constructive? If so, they could help your self concept development.
Your friends can provide a true reflection of who you are and of your full potential. They can praise you and highlight your strengths so you get a clearer view of them. Friends can also inspire you to use your strengths, to build up your skills and to meet any challenges you face with courage and determination. This can all contribute to your having an accurate self concept.
I am gratefully aware of how valuable my friends are in helping me to know how capable I am. They can also facilitate an expansion of image so I accommodate new ideas of who I might become. Wow! Those are wonderful friends, aren't they?
One friend in particular, let's call her Rosemary, is always supportive. It doesn't matter how difficult a problem I am facing, she will always state my ability to solve it and come through it well.
It might be I'm feeling anxious about something and she'll remind me of how successful I was in managing my anxiety last time I felt it.
It might be that I am doubting my ability to learn a new skill, and she will be there encouraging me, reassuring me that of course I can do it.
Rosemary never doubts my abilities, even when I'm fully sure that there is an insurmountable mountain ahead of me. She's like a rock that never wavers in her certainty about what I am capable of. How blessed I am to have such a friend.
Some time ago I worked through an agonising emotional problem. It was old baggage left over from my childhood when I'd been stalked by a paedophile for a prolonged period of time. I'd not dealt with it when I was younger, so it flared up again in my adult years.
Rosemary did not try and stop me going through the agony. She did not down play the agony or tell me to "build a bridge and get over it". She did not avoid talking about it.
She did something far more important. She reminded me how emotionally resilient I was. She reinforced my ability to manage the most difficult of emotions. She focused on my strengths and courage in working through other emotional issues.
Out of that experience I developed a more clearly defined self concept. I learnt that I was definitely someone who could endure deeply disturbing emotional issues and come out of the other side healed and happy. Once my self concept contained that data, my self esteem grew and that gave me the confidence to meet the challenges.
It's in this way that nurturing friendships can help us develop an image of ourselves that is constructive and valuable. What kind of friends do you have?
Do they help you add strength of character and capability to your self concept? Or do you need some better friends?
Editor
Reader Comments (6)
Friendship with one's self is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.
Fran
It was at this point I discovered the maxim 'The best way to have good friends is to be a good friend'.
I'd been concentrating on the fact that people weren't calling me, I was not being invited to things, that sort of thing, when I read that line. Instead of feeling resentful that the world wasn't rolling out the red carpet for me, I decded to concentrate on being a better friend myself.
I had previously taken the friends I had for granted, slow to return phone calls, a long time between drinks. I would meet a friend for coffee and afterwards realise that I knew no more about her life than I had before we met as I'd been too busy sharing my stuff to hear hers.
I was lucky enough to soon after meet a woman with whom I formed a profound and deep connection. I worked hard at being a good friend to her and she became closer to me than I could have imagined. I look forward to asking her to be maid of honor at my wedding and sharing friendship with her for the rest of my life.
Any comment starting with "You should ... " or "You should have ..." or "You're too ... " or "Why didn't you answer my email?" or ... etc, etc does NOT count as friendship in my book. No wonder my number of friends has continued to drop as I leave behind those who do not add to my feelings of value & well-being. My thoughts have become private even though in my actions I am social & outgoing. I am happy with my own company as I can be myself and don't need to watch what I say to avoid giving others an opening for judgement.
I realise also that I have a responsibility to set my boundaries with others' behaviour, and that somehow I am sending messages of needing them to tell me what to do, but until I am able to do that more effectively, the answer seems to be limiting exposure to potentially undermining relationships.
http://www.confident-woman.com.au/self-concept-and-friendships/2009/8/14/friendships-nurture-your-self-concept.html
Well done on letting go of negative friends, it isn't easy and it can leave a vacuum for a while, but it is better than spending time with people who drag you down and lower your self-confidence and self-esteem.
At one stage in my life I was in a similar position and something that helped me to find new nurturing friends was to actually write down the kind of friends I did want in my life.
I became very clear who quite specifically I wanted to attract in my life. I made it very specific so that I became very clear. I made it mainly a list of positive attributes that I wanted them to have (and I sneaked in that I didn't want them to smoke either!)
Then I read this description every day to remind myself. I now have a lovely group of friends and I feel confident that they will nurture me.
Another thing you might do is to work out where the kind of people you would like to have as friends meet. For instance, for me I have found some lovely friends at our local meditation group. It is good to find friends with whom you have an interest in common, so joining some kind of club can often help to find good friends.
One final comment is that there are different personality types. On the MBTI (Myers Briggs Type Indicator) one type (the J) uses the phrases "you should", "you must", "you ought to". They don't mean it in a nasty way, but another type (the P) can find it offensive because their type does not use this language. Your confidence may be being affected because of a personality difference rather than your friends being deliberately mean. Finding out your type, and about other types, may also be of value in building your confidence.
Hope this helps
Let yourself shine
Rachel.