Men scared by women with confidence

I was talking to my friend Steve today. He's married to another friend Anne and she's a wonderfully confident woman. They have three girls and all the girls shine with self confidence. It's a joy to see.

I asked Steve, "What's it like for you living in a family of four confident women?" He replied, "How do you put the words 'confidence' and 'scary' in the same sentence?" I laughed and so did Anne.

Then a voice came from the background, "I think he's privileged!" Steve just rolled his eyes and laughed "Privileged. I think you're privileged having me as your dad".

Steve was joking about being scared but at the same time he wasn't. I have met other men who find women with self confidence scary. They're not quite sure what to do with us!

For example, I was coaching a group of executive men in a large corporation once. The CEO came to talk to me part way through the coaching. "Rachel", he said, "I have to tell you that some of the men are scared of you".

I burst out laughing. "Sorry for the lack of sympathy", I said, "but I'm only 159 cms and some of you guys are very big. I'm only here on an hourly rate and no contract. You guys are in charge of the cheque book and when I will or will not work. They're scared of me? How come?”

"Most of the men have not come across women who are clear, straightforward and confident. The role models they've grown up with at home haven't been like that. They're in new territory."

I was delighted! Finally they were learning to communicate with a confident woman. I presume they were used to being pampered, protected and indulged by their mums. Maybe their mums had also deferred to the man of the house as the authority figure and the person who made the decisions.

Now here I was making decisions and not deferring to them at all. In fact, I was sometimes telling them they’d gone wrong. I certainly wasn’t pampering them.

Before you get the wrong idea that I was some bolshy, aggressive, insulting, offensive bitch, I wasn't; far from it. I was charming, warm, friendly and confident.

However, I also did not get upset by their potential put-downs, or put off by their silly remarks and behaviours. I'd just laugh. And when I needed to, I gave back as good as I got. There was no bitchiness, just a genuine good humour.

The result was that they weren't quite sure how to cope. They did not have power over me in the way they were used to. I think they were therefore left floundering. That was the scary bit.

In reality, I think some men are threatened when their women become clear and confident. This may not be because they see anything wrong with it. Rather it may be because they don’t know how they themselves will cope, how they are meant to react, or what they are meant to do.

For instance, I have run a number of assertiveness training courses for women only, in organisations. On at least two occasions senior men have walked in, and sat down uninvited because they wanted to know what the women were being taught. They were worried the women would become too aggressive and difficult for their men to handle. Honestly, I am not kidding.

What is the significance of all this for us, as women, in our relationships? It means that we need to be aware of the impact we might have on the men we are with.

What to us may seem like easy, clear, ways of expressing ourselves, to someone else they may seem intimidating. If this is the case we can be clear and confident but with caring.

Being confident is not about being nasty, bitchy or aggressive. Self confidence includes a respect for ourselves and a respect for others. This applies across all people and all relationships.

Be capable, be clever and still care. Have sympathy with our men, don’t patronise them. When we change they too have to change and this is not an easy challenge to face.

Be kind. Be caring. Be confident.

By the way, my executives ended up asking me to apply for a position on the Executive. They said no other woman had ever managed to cope with them before in the way that I had. I declined! I couldn't face having to see them every morning!

Would you have taken them on?