Low self-esteem - Can the kids hurt?

Self-esteem as a mother can be knocked by what your children say. There's a certain honesty and openness about many children. They say what they think without worrying or understanding the consequences or hurt they may cause. They don't know about your self-esteem.

One woman I was speaking to recently had her self-esteem knocked when one of her children said, on a number of occasions, "I hate you mum." She had beaten herself up over it and had developed a low self-esteem.

While many mums have also had this said to them, it's your reaction to it that determines whether you maintain a positive self-esteem or not.

As with many anger outbursts, such a statement is more likely to be about your child than it is about you. One of the steps you can take to protect your self-esteem therefore is to put your attention onto your child and off yourself.

If you take such comments to heart, as this woman had done, your positive self-esteem can easily be worn away and low-self esteem develop. Don't let this happen to you. It's much easier to bring up children if you keep a positive self-esteem.

Here are five ways to maintain a positive self-esteem when your children say something potentially hurtful.

• Talk to your children no matter what they say to you. Find out what has happened to make them so frustrated or angry. Take the emphasis off your self-esteem and onto theirs.

• Remind yourself of all the things you have done to be a good mother. List them in a journal. Keep them in the forefront of your mind, so when negatives come your way they hit a foundation of positive self-esteem.

• Take a break from the children. All of us can lose perspective when we do the same thing, day in and day out. Raising children is the same. They're in your face and making demands of you every day. Taking a break from them can build up your emotional reserves. An occasional baby sitter can help to maintain your positive self-esteem while you sit luxuriating in a spa at a hotel!

• Practise gratitude, e.g. have gratitude that you have communication between you and your children. How wonderful it is that your children feel safe enough to say such things to you. At least they're not hiding their frustrations from you. At least they are trying to let you know something is wrong. This sure beats them doing things behind your back. It's a blessing they've let you know indirectly how they feel. Focus on these good aspects and practise gratitude and your positive self-esteem is more likely to stay.

• Talk to your friends. Share your parenting success stories. It's easy to bitch and complain about the kids but this doesn't actually help you to maintain a positive self-esteem. Instead it can wear you down. By sharing your funny stories and success stories you can help maintain a positive self-esteem and help any of the other mums you know with low self-esteem to overcome it.

There are many other ways to maintain a positive self-esteem when the children say hateful comments.

Tell us your stories. What do your children say? What do you do?
 

Comments

[Sue Rollond.]

I'm a mum. Don't be too hard on yourself. Don't be critical of yourself.

If your children say, "I hate you mum," ask them what's wrong. They are saying it because they are upset, not because they hate you. Find out what is upsetting them.

Sue Rollond.