The problem is that other people look at women, such as myself, who are confident and put us on some kind of pedestal of perfect self-confidence. They think if we are confident we can't have anxiety. If only!
For example, I was delivering a speech in Northam in Western Australia once. I was weaving personal stories into my speech and came across confidently.
One of the stories I told was about the time I'd had severe panic attacks for eighteen months. I wasn't showing off or trying to draw any attention to my suffering, I was simply telling my story to help others feel more comfortable with their own anxiety issues so they didn't have to suffer alone.
At the end of the speech I had an unexpected discussion with one of the ladies from the audience. She came up to me and said, "You can't have had panic attacks. You're so confident".
I laughed. Was this lady really thinking I had lied? Or was her concept of being confident too restrictive? I decided her concept of confidence was far too narrow for her own good.
My answer was simple. "Even a confident woman can have panic attacks."
"They can't, can they?", she asked.
"Let me tell you a secret. We are all capable of being anxious, some of us just fake confidence better than others! Yes, a confident woman can have panic attacks. I am confident. It didn't preclude me from having panic attacks though. I definitely had them. I can teach you how to have them too if you feel you've missed out", I joked.
"Oh", she whispered, "I've had them too. And I've never told anyone, ever. I've always been too embarrassed. But if you've had them then it's okay."
I gave her a hug. "It's okay, we can all have anxiety, confidence or not. You know what matters to me is that you now have the confidence to go and deal with your anxiety. Why suffer anxiety without having useful anxiety management techniques to help you?"
On reflection, maybe this is the difference between a confident woman with anxiety, and a women with anxiety and a lack of confidence.
The confident woman is confident enough to know she can handle it. The confident woman is also able to call the doctor, or a counsellor, psychologist, priest or other relevant person to ask for help and support. A confident woman can care for herself and integrate anxiety management into her list of skills.
A woman who lacks confidence is more likely to be embarrassed about her anxiety and instead shun help. She may be too afraid to ask for support or to tell people, for fear of something. But fear of what? Fear that they will think she's gone crazy or mad, or somehow can't cope?
If confident women can have anxiety then there is nothing to fear. Anxiety is quite normal. Act as a confident woman acts and get help. It's a myth that confident women aren't anxious.
Now the secret is out, there is no excuse for not taking the time to develop the skills you need for managing anxiety.
What can you do to feel more confident and less anxious?
Rachel has overcome her own panic attacks and spent several years successfully learning how to manage anxiety. She has found meditation very helpful.
Exercise can often help aleviate some anxiety symptoms. But what if you have have low energy levels? Find out how to get more energy on our "Energy for living" CDs.
She can also speak at your conference or event on: Managing anxiety: don't panic yet!
This is an inspiring speech, hilarious, practical and relevant.
Copyright Confident Woman Australia, 2010.
NB: Any information contained on this site is not provided as an alternative to the obtaining of professional psychological advice from an appropriately qualified practitioner.
- There is not ONE anxiety management technique that suits everyone. Each of us needs to be willing to put in the time, effort and patience to find the technique(s) that work best for us.
PS: An extra tip on anxiety management: Mixing alcohol and anxiety can produce lethal results.
What are your anxiety management tips?
Rachel has used meditation to overcome panic attacks. She is the author of the 2 CD set: "Happy not hassled: Using meditation to manage your emotions". It is Confident Woman's most popular CD set. Click here to get your copy.
Rachel also conducts a live webinar "Managing anxiety - creating calm" that you can enrol in throughout Australia. It only takes an hour and if you have a computer you can join in at home or at work. Click here for more details.
She can also speak at your conference or event on: Managing anxiety: don't panic yet!
This is an inspiring speech, hilarious, practical and relevant.
Copyright Confident Woman Australia, 2010.
NB: This article is for your information only and does not constitute individual advice. Everyone is different. It is not provided as an alternative to obtaining professional advice from an appropriately qualified practitioner. Please seek the help you need.
1. The more we fear, hate and try to get rid of anxiety the bigger and worse it gets. By its very nature a fear of anxiety adds anxiety on top of anxiety. We become anxious about getting anxious. That means we now have at least twice as much anxiety to manage!
2. The more we try to avoid all the situations in which we imagine our anxiety will rear up the more our anxiety grows and closes us down. Running from anxiety encourages it to chase after us.
3. Anxiety can be fueled by a negative imagination: we imagine something will go wrong, we react as if it has happened, and we get anxious, all in a few seconds and without even leaving our beds or lounge rooms.
If we manage our imagination, and our reaction to it, then we may not need to focus on the anxiety itself. If we don't believe the pictures, stories or thoughts we don't fuel the anxiety, and they remain just thoughts, pictures or stories.
4. Anxiety is often about the future not about the present. We worry about will happen IN THE FUTURE, e.g. when we meet someone, when we go to the Doctors, when we get our exam questions or results. If we stay focused on what is happening right now anxiety does not have a hook to attach itself to.
5. Some of us adopt an identity of being "an anxious person" as though it is a permanent state; or we own the anxiety, "My social anxiety ...". Sometimes identifying with anxiety in this way can make it harder to shrug it off.
When we give anxiety such a status, then it will take an identity crisis to get rid of it. Most of us are attached to our identity and do not like changing it. Fleshing out a healthier identity can help us in managing the anxiety better.
6. Anxiety may echo a more general discomfort with the unknown, with a loss of control, with rejection, or with our feelings. Thus, it may not be our anxiety we must get rid of but our inability to tolerate the unknown, rejection or our feelings.
7. When we do not like, or are "out of touch with" our feelings, and they arise, we can feel overwhelmed and frightened. Part of the journey of living with or managing anxiety is learning to be more comfortable with a whole range of feelings.
8. Just because we feel anxious about a particular activity, person or place doesn't mean there is anything fundamentally wrong with the activity, person or place; anxiety can attach itself to good things. I used to get panic attacks in large, bright, white, hardware shops. There is nothing wrong with hardware shops!
What are your experiences in managing anxiety?
Rachel has used meditation to overcome panic attacks. She is the author of the 2 CD set: "Happy not hassled: Using meditation to manage your emotions". It is Confident Woman's most popular CD set. Click here to get your copy.
Rachel also conducts a live webinar "Managing anxiety - creating calm" that you can enrol in throughout Australia. It only takes an hour and if you have a computer you can join in at home or at work. Click here for more details.
She can also speak at your conference or event on: Managing anxiety: don't panic yet!
This is an inspiring speech, hilarious, practical and relevant.
Copyright Confident Woman Australia, 2010.
NB: This article is for your information only and does not constitute individual advice. Everyone is different. It is not provided as an alternative to obtaining professional advice from an appropriately qualified practitioner. Please seek the help you need.
I know that:
1. Emotions aren't good or bad. Dividing emotions into a rigid dichotomy of "good emotions" and "bad emotions" or "negative" or "positive" emotions is flawed.
Emotions are not always good or always bad. It is what we do with them that makes them good or bad. If I feel confident driving at high speeds and crash my car then confidence is bad; if I am anxious about missing a plane and I leave enough time to get to the airport then anxiety is good.
Thus being anxious does not mean you can't be happy. It is what you do with the anxiety when you have it that will determine how happy you are, not the anxiety itself.
2. Anxiety can be helpful. Anxiety stops me from missing a deadline. It reminds me to be careful if I am walking alone at night. It helps a newsreader, cricketer or police officer be fully alert to everything that may happen so they can do their best.
Anxiety may even lead to greater happiness in these cases. When we stop looking upon anxiety as the enemy of our happiness then we increase our opportunities to find happiness.
3. Being comfortable with emotions helps. The more comfortable we can become with the whole range of human emotions the more we will be at ease, whether anxiety arises or not. The more at ease we are with anxiety the less it will impact on our happiness.
4. I can be comfortable with anxiety. It is possible to be comfortable about being anxious. Bizarre though this sounds to those who dread it, anxiety is just that: anxiety, nothing more, nothing less. When we accept happiness for what it is we can have greater happiness.
5. Feeling the anxiety can help. Sometimes it is only by allowing ourselves to feel anxious that we can learn the skills we need to lessen the anxiety.
For example, if we have social anxiety we may feel anxious while we are learning the skills of social conversation, but once we know what to say, when and to whom, our anxiety may lessen and our confidence in social situations grow. As our confidence grows so too can our happiness.
6. There is no happiness drug. Trying to bury anxiety with medication is not what produces happiness.
7. They are not the same. There is a difference between being free of anxiety and being happy. The absence of one does not automatically instill the other. A reduction in anxiety does not mean an increase in happiness.
What do you know about anxiety and happiness?
Rachel has used meditation to overcome panic attacks. She is the author of the 2 CD set: "Happy not hassled: Using meditation to manage your emotions". She is an expert in teaching people who think they can't meditate how to do it. Click here to get your copy.
Rachel also conducts a live webinar "Managing anxiety - creating calm" that you can enrol in throughout Australia. It only takes an hour and if you have a computer you can join in at home or at work. Click here for more details.
She can also speak at your conference or event on: Managing anxiety: don't panic yet!
This is an inspiring speech, hilarious, practical and relevant.
Copyright Confident Woman Australia, 2010.
NB: This article is for your information only and does not constitute individual advice. It is not provided as an alternative to obtaining professional advice from an appropriately qualified practitioner.
The first stage is called "Endings". There are many things that may be ending in your life, all of which may result in your managing anxiety. For example, job security, old technology, familiar work environments, relationships, youthfulness, health, homes, being single, may all be ending for you at one time or another.
Another stage is called "Beginnings". This is associated with the new aspects of your life which are springing up. You might just have begun married life, a new job, become a new mother, got a new house, found a new boyfriend, bought a new iphone, or got a new boss, a new career, new qualifications, or more. These too can result in your managing anxiety.
However, of even greater importance in causing anxiety is the stage between these two, called "Transitions". This is when you are part way between the end and the beginning. There is still a pull back to the old and familiar but also a pull towards the new.
Why is the Transition stage so often associated with managing anxiety? Because the new is not yet established or even in sight, and yet the old has gone. It is a time of confusion and uncertainty, when you feel as though you are lost at sea, land is not in sight and you have no compass. No wonder that managing anxiety is all part of it.
If you want to know how managing anxiety can be done successfully, Rachel has a 2 CD set: "Happy not hassled: Using meditation to manage your emotions". These meditations have been successfully used by her to overcome panic attacks and manage her own anxiety. Click here to get your copy.
1. Managing anxiety by understanding it can be a normal part of "Transition".
Knowing that anxiety can be normal for many people when they are coping with change can make it easier to cope with. Even when people have chosen the change they can find themselves managing anxiety. It can be quite normal.
2. Managing anxiety by developing patience with it.
Managing anxiety by patiently sitting with the anxiety and confusion, and allowing the new beginnings to arise, is part of the journey of coping with change. Those who stay with the discomfort of managing anxiety and seeing the transition through to the other side may reap many rewards.
If you give in to the anxiety and instead of managing it try to run away from it by going back to your old ways, or old job, or old relationship, you may regret it later.
Managing anxiety may be as simple as watching your breath going in and your breath going out while the anxiety tingles and flows through your body.
3. Managing anxiety by developing rituals.
Developing rituals may help the anxiety to ease. For example, you might write letters to your anxiety: "Dear anxiety ...", write songs or poems about it, make a cake for it, plant a tree for it, draw a painting of it, write a book about it, sing a song, whatever you do, do something to acknowledge the anxiety so it can move on.
When you become really frightened of it, I think, from my own personal experience, it's more likely to get worse and to stay. When you become friends with it and give it respect but not fear I have found it's more likely to go as you move through the transition stage.
Managing anxiety in "Transition" in a healthy way can help you avoid getting stuck in anxiety. It can also making coping with change much easier.
Enjoy managing anxiety!
Rachel has overcome her own panic attacks and spent several years successfully learning how to manage anxiety. She has found meditation very helpful.
Rachel is the author of the 2 CD set: "Happy not hassled: Using meditation to manage your emotions". She is an expert in teaching people who think they can't meditate how to do it. Click here to get your copy.
She can also speak at your conference or event on: Managing anxiety: don't panic yet!
This is an inspiring speech, hilarious, practical and relevant.
Copyright Confident Woman Australia, 2010.
NB: Any information contained on this site is not provided as an alternative to the obtaining of professional psychological advice from an appropriately qualified practitioner.
Tip 1: Keep on breathing. When you are just about to walk into the restaurant or wedding reception and your heart flutters a little with anxiety - keep breathing. Managing anxiety is enough without you holding your breath at the same time! I'm not kidding.
When people are managing anxiety they commonly hold their breath as they are about to do something they feel uncomfortable about. Keep breathing in. Keep breathing out. Breathing can have a calming effect. Holding your breathing can have a traumatic effect and leave you managing anxiety even more!
Tip 2: Work out lines to say in advance. You know what kinds of things will happen when you go to a dinner party on our own, or you sit next to a complete stranger at a wedding reception, or you enter a restaurant and the waiter says "A table for one Ma'am?" Prepare yourself. Choose your answers or introductions in advance.
The answer to a table for one is, "Yes please", (said enthusiastically), "by the window, thanks".
When you're at a wedding your line may be to introduce yourself by explaining how you know the bride or groom. Knowing what you will say makes managing anxiety so much easier, in fact the anxiety may go altogether.
When you are at a party say how you know the host or hostess, "Hi I'm Jenny, I used to go to school with Brad, how do you know him?"
You'll need good conversational skills in most of these situations. Find out how to make conversation easy by listening to our 3 CD set: "Be a winner a dinner: Chat with confidence and skill". Click here for full details.
Tip 3: Speak out, don't hold back. It doesn't matter if there are large groups of people, you can still introduce yourself - do not curl up ready to die in the corner. You'll be managing anxiety all evening if you do and feel worse. The idea is to be managing anxiety so well it disappears quickly. Be ready to speak to people as soon as you arrive, don't wait for them to speak to you, or wait to speak to them.
Tip 4: Take something with you. When I sit in restaurants on my own, I do one of 3 things. I watch everyone else, or I take something to do such as a magazine to read, or I start talking to the person next to me. In fact, when I was at a meal recently I got so involved in conversation with the lady at the next table she ended up featuring in our road-show blog.
Being alone and managing anxiety doesn't mean you have to isolate yourself. If you want to engage others, be willing to smile and say "Hello" to the people around you and choose to sit near someone else. If you are going to the movies on your own you can always have a big bag of popcorn!
Tip 5: Arrive early. If you are going to a party, a seminar or a wedding on your own then go early. The reason for this is that as people arrive they will be more inclined to start talking to you than if you arrive after huddles have already formed. Huddles only mean you will be managing anxiety even more.
Make managing anxiety easy. With a bit of preparation you could be managing happiness instead of managing anxiety!
Author of "Confidence for women in social situations." Click here to obtain your copy.
Rachel can also speak at your conference or event on: Managing anxiety: don't panic yet!
This is an inspiring speech, hilarious, practical and relevant.
NB: Any information contained on this site is not provided as an alternative to the obtaining of psychological advice from an appropriately qualified practitioner.