What do I mean by shaming? Here are some examples.

Making comments such as:

• You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
• You naughty boy!
• You are acting like a selfish brat.
• You’ve been a bad little girl.
• Grow up!
• Stop acting like a baby.
• Don’t be a sissy.
• Girls don’t do that sort of thing.
• You're hopeless.
• You’re not even trying.
• Why can’t you be more like your brother?
• What are people going to think?
• Trust you to do that.
• You're so clumsy.

Deliberately ignoring the child.
Being sarcastic.
Walking away as though the child does not exist.
Rolling one’s eyes.
Glaring at the child with disgust.
Shouting, yelling and swearing at a child.

Does shame cause anxiety?

Shame is related to a number of psychological and mental health problems.

According to Robin Grille, clinical psychologist Gershen Kaufman, in his book "The psychology of shame" identifies shame as a major cause of anxiety, personality disorders, compulsive disorders, phobias and sexual dysfunction.

Shame is also strongly associated with addictive and eating disorders. The strongest link established by researchers is between shame and depression.

Instead of shaming – love.

Children need to know they are valued and loved. Feeling invisible or unloved causes enormous stress to a child’s nervous system. Often children can become emotionally needy and anxious about getting the love they yearn.

Remember, children do not see all the cooking, washing and cleaning as signs of love and connection. To feel loved children need to hear the words, have loving touch and know that you are “present” to them.

Following a loving bedtime ritual every night is an excellent way of anchoring your love for your child and reducing anxiety.

The last thing they hear every night could be:

I love you more than all the grains of sand on every beach, more than all the stars in the night sky and more than all the hairs on all the bears.

Written by Maggie Dent.  Author | Parenting Specialist | Director of “Esteem Plus”.

Visit Maggie's website.

Maggie has books and CDs available on managing anxiety in children and building children's self-esteem. For example, Maggie is the author of "Real kids in an unreal world: Building resilience and self-esteem in today’s children", published by Pennington Publications, Australia, 2008.

Copyright Maggie Dent 2010.
NB: Any information contained on this site is not provided as an alternative to the obtaining of psychological or parenting advice from an appropriately qualified practitioner.

Eric Jensen, in the book "Enriching the Brain", believes that there is up to a 50% reduction in neurone development within a week of a major stress event. He also believes that the existing neurones wither with continued chronic stress. This has enormous implications for children and their learning, both at home and at school.

Many small stressors can have the same impact as one large one, such as the death of a loved one, a divorce or moving school, town or country.

One of the best ways to manage anxiety in children, and to prevent it from arising, is by calming our children’s lives.

Busy parents who have poor stress regulating systems often contribute to the increased levels of stress and anxiety in children.

Children depend on parents and other significant carers to help them develop healthy stress regulating systems so they can manage stress and anxiety. The key is to do this sooner, rather than later.

Simple things to calm children’s lives and reduce their stress and anxiety.

1. Slow down.

Slow down, walk slower, talk slower, do less. Avoid being rushed and hurried. What can you take out of your life so that you can be a calmer parent? This is especially important in the early years – avoid wearing too many hats when your children are young. Children sense their parents’ stress and anxiety and react to it – reduce your stress.

Avoid pressuring your children. Allow 15 minutes more than you think you need to get your children ready for a scheduled event like going to school.

2. Soothe more.

Remember that brain chemicals flood our children’s brains quite irrationally and chaotically. Research shows that if a child’s need for comfort is not met with emotional responsiveness and soothing, this system can, over time, become wired for bodily hyperarousal. This can make life a stressful and exhaustive affair.

Reassure children that they are valued and safe and that mistakes and accidents are normal. Soothing and reassuring children triggers the release of oxytocin and calms them. Research shows clearly those children who were soothed quickly as babies tend to become self-soothers later. The more children experience love and affection, calm surroundings, a safe nurturing touch and predictable routines, the better chance they have of growing the neural wiring that will allow them to be happy and psychologically strong for life.

3. Create safety.

Is your home child friendly? Can your children relax sometimes without your home having to look like it’s a feature house in a House and Garden magazine? Is there somewhere for introverted children to hide from people and the world to fill their energy cup?

Homes that consciously create calm and quiet times will help children feel safe, allow them to enjoy their own quiet company, and lower the stress levels within their growing bodies.

4. Reduce exposure to the television.

Overstimulation from too much activity, too many toys and too much talking can also cause children to become anxious. Avoid too much noise and visual stimulation at home. Over exposure to TV and computer screens is over stimulating many little minds and bodies.

I recently read Bruce Lipton’s book on the "Biology of Belief". In this book he wrote that the brains of babies and toddlers download everything they hear and see from TV – even when they are asleep in the room or they may appear to not be paying attention. That means all the violent images and sound bites of stories on the news and other adult programs are downloaded into their memory banks – and because they are so vulnerable, it causes them to skew the way they see the world.

Please avoid TV as much as possible in the early years and then be very vigilant over what programs your child’s sensitive minds watch or are exposed to.

5. Allow quiet.

Keep your noise levels down in the home – voices, radios and the volume on the TV. Have regular quiet times in your home when all electronic stuff is turned off. Children benefit from calm, quiet spaces in their world. Use quiet voices with gentle tones.

Allow children time just ‘to be’ and to not always be busy. Calmness can be learned – do a relaxation activity with them. Teach them to take deep breaths and sigh. Teach them relaxation by using calming CDs.

Rachel has a popular 2 CD set on meditation to help you. Click here to get your copy.

6. Encourage routines and consistent patterns of family routine.

Avoid too much significant change in children’s lives. Children need routines and consistent patterns of family routine to feel safe. They need time to exist, explore and process the world on their own terms.

Research shows that social dislocation and change can be highly stressful for individuals especially children. Moving preschools, schools, homes or countries may contribute to a retardation or delay in some children’s intellectual, social and emotional growth.

If children are constantly changing homes, nannies, bedrooms, cultures, weather patterns and routines – and if they have poor sleep and unhealthy foods – meltdowns will occur from stress and anxiety.

7. Encourage play.

It helps children to play with other children, and to make friends. This allows their nervous system to relax rather than always being flooded with the stress chemicals cortisol or adrenaline, or both.

Distress can cause long-term damage to the brain’s adaptive systems and play is crucial for resilient behaviour like decision making, reflection and flexible thinking. Studies clearly link distress with lowered cognitive capacity.

Yoga, creative visualization and lots of time spent in nature all help soothe sensitive nervous systems. They are also fabulous for stressed parents as well! So start now, breathe gently and relax.

Written by Maggie Dent.  Author | Parenting Specialist | Director of “Esteem Plus”.

Visit Maggie's website.

Maggie has books and CDs available on managing anxiety in children and building children's self-esteem. For example, Maggie is the author of "Real kids in an unreal world: Building resilience and self-esteem in today’s children", published by Pennington Publications, Australia, 2008.

Copyright Maggie Dent/Confident Woman Australia 2010.
NB: Any information contained on this site is not provided as an alternative to the obtaining of psychological or parenting advice from an appropriately qualified practitioner.

Rachel has a 2 CD set on meditation to help reduce anxiey. Click here to get your copy.

Managing anxiety in children: What have expectations got to do with it?

Mothers are wonderful at wanting the very best for their daughters and sons. Sometimes in their enthusiasm to give them the best they want their child to be a genius. However, most children are normal.

If you push your child to be a genius, when she is not, then you may find that you end up managing anxiety in yourself and your children.

There is nothing wrong with having an ordinary child. There is nothing wrong with having an average child. There is absolutely everything right with having a happy child.

Happy children don't arise when their parents have unrealistic expectations of them. When they are pressured to perform, to be the top in everything and to be exceptional, they can feel anxious.

Do you expect your child to be better than he or she really is? Someone always has to come last or in the middle if someone is to come first. They can't all be top.

When I went to school I came last in Latin every single exam. No matter how hard I tried I could never pass Latin. My ability to learn languages was and is very poor, (well below average, in fact), and that is absolutely fine. I was so happy when after two years I didn't have to study Latin any more, that was a great way to be managing anxiety for me.

There is so much nonsense written and spoken about "everyone can be anything they wish". Rubbish! These notions are causing ridiculous pressure on children and parents. We can't all be exceptional.

The statistics prove that most of us are average. Are you willing to let your child be average, i.e. normal?

When I was discussing managing anxiety in children with one of my friends, and mother of two, she said to me: 

We need, as mothers to stop trying to craft our children into what we want them to be. Instead, we need to look at our children for who they are and allow them to be who they are."

There is so much wisdom in this. Surely, if we were all able to do this, managing anxiety in children would come off the top ten list?

Scientific research shows that meditation can help adults and children manage anxiety. Rachel has a very popular 2 CD set on meditation. Click here to get your copy.

Managing anxiety in children: Other pressures and expectations.

Another reason children can feel anxious is that some are put under a lot of pressure to do well at school in order to get a high status and highly paid job or career. No wonder mums are managing anxiety in children.

Value ALL jobs. Don't just value a job because of the pay it brings in. What matters is that your children are happy when they "grow-up" not that they earn a huge wage. I know people who are earning over $400,000 a year and are on anti-depressants.

If you value all jobs you can relieve your children of the pressure to be a superstar and take the pressure off yourself to produce one.

If your child wants to be a nurse that is great. No, she doesn't have to be a doctor. If she wants to be a secretary that is fine, she doesn't have to be an HR manager. If you reduce your expectations you may find that there is less anxiety in your children and in yourself.

Children also gain unrealistic expectations of themselves from watching advertisements, listening to teachers, hearing other children, and so on.

One unrealistic expectation many have learnt is to expect everything straightaway. Show them this isn't necessary or possible or realistic. If they see you are not chasing after the instant answer or latest consumer product or gadget, and are still happy, then they may be less anxious themselves about getting everything instantly.

Some mothers also have unrealistic expectations of themselves. This can result in their not only managing anxiety in their children but also managing anxiety in themselves.

Lower your own expectations of yourself. You don't have to have everything for your child. You don't have to have the trendiest, latest, most expensive, most super-deluxe pram, jogger or change table. Do not believe the people selling these items; they are trying to make money out of you. You don't need all the paraphenalia.

Many mums manage beautifully without expensive, fashionable items such as these, so you can take the pressure off yourself too. Being able to love your children is far more important. When your children feel genuine affection and love and less pressure, managing anxiety may be far less of an issue.

When you take the pressure off yourself you also take the pressure off your children.

High expectations lead to anxiety in mums, dads and children. By taking the pressure off yourself and the whole family you may well find you have a happier child and are managing anxiety less often.

Tell us your experiences of managing anxiety in children.

Written by Rachel Green.  Professional Speaker | Trainer | Coach | Author.

Rachel has used meditation to overcome panic attacks.

Rachel is the author of the 2 CD set: "Happy not hassled: Using meditation to manage your emotions". She is an expert in teaching people who think they can't meditate how to do it. Click here to get your copy.

Rachel also conducts a live webinar "Managing anxiety - creating calm" that you can enrol in throughout Australia. It is great for mums because it only takes an hour and if you have a computer you can join in at home. Click here for more details.

Copyright Confident Woman Australia, 2010.
NB: The information contained in this article is information only and not individual advice. Every situation is different. It is not provided as an alternative to obtaining professional or psychological advice from an appropriately qualified practitioner. Please seek the help you need.

For this article I interviewed two mums. One has four grown children and several grandchildren, and is also a teacher. The other has two children and works with children as a speech pathologist.

Here are our combined strategies on managing anxiety in children for you.

Scientific research shows that meditation can help adults and children manage anxiety. Rachel has an excellent 2 CD set on meditation. Click here to get your copy.

Managing and reducing anxiety in children:  Ten top tips for mothers.

1. Read to the children before they go to sleep. Read them stories. Settle them down so they can fall asleep easily.

2. Quieten them down before bedtime. Too many children are going to bed after high levels of stimulation, such as watching the television, playing computer games or flogging through homework. They go to bed with their minds on fire. This in itself may increase the likelihood of their feeling anxious.

3. Help them sleep well and for a sufficiently long time. If they are short of sleep, or having a disturbed night's sleep they risk becoming sleep deprived. There are plenty of studies around that show a direct link between sleep deprivation and mental health concerns such as anxiety. How many hours sleep are your children getting? Teenagers may need as much as nine or ten hours good sleep a night, and school aged children up to eleven hours, for example.

4. Allow play. Encourage play. Let them get dirty! They don't need to be worrying about designer clothes or their pretty shoes they need to be playing and feeling the earth beneath their feet. Children barely seem to play any more. Yet it is play that allows them to work through their fears and anxieties, to act out their troubles, to dream, to create and to be in a child's world away from adult worries.

I was listening to the radio today and there was a father talking about how he'd suddenly remembered the types of activities he used to do as a kid, such as crabbing in the estuary. Then he realised his own kids had missed out on experiences like this altogether. These kind of experiences with you as the mum or dad are still important and need to be balanced with being indoors on the computer.

5. Work on your own anxiety.

When we as mums are anxious our children learn to be anxious too. Our own anxiety translates into anxiety in our children. They see and hear us being anxious and they learn that this is what people do. As mothers we are such important role models for our children. Children watch and internalise what we do. Are you showing them how to be calm and relaxed?

Do you find it hard to relax and let go of worries? Meditation can help people relax and de-stress. Rachel has a very popular 2 CD set on meditation. It comes with a free DVD on using meditation to manage anxiety. Click here to get your copy.

6. Provide love ahead of possessions. If you are managing anxiety in your children, is there any chance that they have everything materially but are missing out on connection with family or friends? You don't need to provide them with all the latest consumer toys and goods. Provide them with love, affection, comfort, emotional safety and acceptance ahead of material possessions.

7. Slow down the pace of your own life for yourself and your children. Don't just rush them into childcare, out of childcare, on to ballet lessons ... pause and show them life doesn't have to be so hurried. Give them times when they can be quiet and not striving to get somewhere or do something, then the need to manage anxiety can fade away.

Give yourself this time too. Show them you can be happy with a slower pace of life and they will pick it up from you. Give them the space to reflect, to be, to be on their own, and to breathe. When there is less rush, you'll probably also find you'll be managing anxiety less.

8. Support their passions, rather than making them follow what everyone else is doing. For example, if they have a passion for bird watching, foster it. If they have a passion for growing flowers, foster it. If they have a passion for dancing, put on the music. However, this doesn't have to be in competition with anyone else. They don't have to attend classes or be entered in competitions for it. It can just be their thing. Support their passions so they have something positive to focus on in their life outside of television, computers and school.

9. Encourage children to exercise. Sitting in front of the television or computer doesn't burn up their energy. Exercise has been medically proven to help in reducing and managing anxiety. Encourage them to be outside running around, riding their bikes, playing games, and firing up their bodies. Burn up that energy, don't let it get locked inside. You could join them! Exercise could help you in managing anxiety in yourself too.

10. Monitor what they eat. Work out which foods help them feel good and which ones lead to over activity or anxiety.

These are just a few of the many tips to help you in managing anxiety in your children. It is such an important topic  We will be covering more in future articles. Let's return childhood to our children and have no further need to be managing anxiety.

Written by Rachel Green.  Professional Speaker | Trainer | Coach | Author.

Rachel has used meditation to overcome panic attacks.

Rachel is the author of the 2 CD set: "Happy not hassled: Using meditation to manage your emotions". She is an expert in teaching people who think they can't meditate how to do it. Click here to get your copy.

Rachel also conducts a live webinar "Managing anxiety - creating calm" that you can enrol in throughout Australia. It is great for mums because it only takes an hour and if you have a computer you can join in at home or at work. Click here for more details.

Copyright Confident Woman Australia, 2010.
NB: This article is for your information only and does not constitute individual advice. Everyone is different. It is not provided as an alternative to obtaining professional advice from an appropriately qualified practitioner. Please seek the help you need.

Margot Sunderland in her book, "The science of parenting: How today’s brain research can help you raise happy, emotionally balanced children", says, "Increasingly, scientists are linking stress in infancy and childhood to the soaring numbers of people suffering from anxiety and depressive disorders from adolescence onward."

Somewhere over the last 10 years parenting has become a type of competition. The hidden stress this places on growing children causes many other issues that delay healthy development on all levels emotionally, socially, mentally and cognitively.

We have sped up the pace of life and living. We live in an instant world where we expect everything NOW. Communication, food, pain relief, results, well behaved children - you name it, we expect things instantly.

This expectation works silently and unconsciously creating stress and anxiety when things do not always happen like that.

Children take ALL of childhood to grow. They need ALL of childhood to learn how to think, learn, process information, behave appropriately, manage their lives, dress themselves, find their way home and learn who they are! We cannot rush this vital development. If we do we risk them becoming anxious.

Main sources of stress and anxiety in children:

• Hurried over scheduled world.
• Temperaments and personality.
• Absence of healthy love and attachment.
• Too much pressure on children to perform.
• Stressed parents who rush.
• Not enough calm, still, quiet solo time.
• Poor sleep pattern.
• Too much stimulation from TV, toys and adult commands.
• Not enough consistency and routines.
• Too much social change.
• Shaming language.
• Threats of abuse and violence.

Busy parents who have poor stress regulating systems also often contribute to their children becoming anxious.

The modern world has created environments that have overloaded children’s stress regulating systems.

Being aware of how to reduce some of the stressful events in children’s lives will help to reduce their stress and anxiety. Tips for reducing children's stress and anxiety will be covered in the next article.

Written by Maggie Dent.  Author | Parenting and Resilience Specialist | International Presenter | Director of “Esteem Plus”.

Visit Maggie's website.

Maggie has books and CDs available on managing anxiety in children and building children's self-esteem. For example, Maggie is the author of "Real kids in an unreal world: Building resilience and self-esteem in today’s children", published by Pennington Publications, Australia, 2008.

Copyright Maggie Dent, 2010.
NB: Any information contained on this site is not provided as an alternative to the obtaining of psychological advice from an appropriately qualified practitioner.