Self-confidence talking to senior men
Self-confidence in talking to senior men is crucial for any professional, executive or business woman.
I recently sat and watched a professional woman meet a group of senior men in the foyer of her workplace. The woman found it difficult to relate to the men in a strong way and she appeared to have a lack of confidence. Sadly, she was mainly ignored by the men or treated as an irrelevancy to be tolerated.
Here are five tips on how to have self-confidence talking to senior men based on what I saw happen in this interaction.
Are you looking for ways to show your self-confidence? Listen to our CD set Confidence for women at work.
Self-confidence with senior men tip 1: Look strong.
The men the woman met were middle aged and all wearing black pin striped suits and shiny black shoes. They were also quite tall. They were having an animated discussion.
The woman got out of the lift to meet them. She was slim, attractive, with long blond hair tied back and was wearing thin stiletto shoes and cream coloured clothes, and no significantly coloured make-up. She appeared fragile, weak and simply pale in comparison.
The tip is to look strong if the people you are meeting are likely to also look strong and confident.
I suggest it may have been easier to be included in the group had she dressed in much stronger colours and style of clothing. For example, a black skirt or pants would have paced the men's colours. Stronger looking shoes would have helped her appear to have her "feet on the ground". Even a darker or bolder jacket or suit may have helped her establish a stronger presence and helped her appear to have a greater self-confidence. The first impression is critical.
Am I saying that professional women at work have to become men? No, of course not! However, all of us have to be clear what we want to achieve and work out how we can do this. She looked like a pretty secretary and yet she was a senior manager. Dress for confidence and strength, not to be pretty and demure if you want your competency to be noticed with these types of men.
Do your clothes undermine your credibility and leave you having to work harder to establish it? Do your clothes simply draw attention to your body, your chest or your delicate manner or do they help you convey competency, credibility and a good smart brain?
Self-confidence with senior men tip 2: Use a confident speaking style.
These men were quite boisterous. This lady was quiet and demure. She spoke with far less energy and far more quietly and carefully than they did.
In contrast to them she sounded weak and unsure, careful and delicate.
Did I want her to shout over them? Certainly not. Did she have to speak like them? No. What she needed to do was use a speaking style that at least they would listen to and respect. A slightly louder and stronger voice may have more successfully got their attention. When she spoke they did stop and listen politely but without any real respect for her as they turned back to continue their previous conversations. She sounded to have a lack of confidence.
Are you looking for ways to keep your self-confidence? Listen to other women and their stories on the CD set Confidence for women at work.
Self-confidence with senior men tip 3: Use relevant conversation topics.
What topic of conversation would you have introduced to kick start your relationship with these men? She started, after a considerable delay, talking about the weather. Do you think these men were really interested in the weather? I got the impression they weren't. One man politely listened to her comment, made an innocuous response and then turned back to the other men.
I would have done one of three things to take my place confidently in their conversation.
- I would have talked sport. This scenario took place during an exciting cricket season. I would have started talking about that and shown that I knew what had happened and the names of the players. I would then have stated my opinion and asked for theirs.
- Or, I would have introduced a political or business issue of the day. I would have avoided any fluffy nice-to-talk about topics and jumped straight to business. This would mean I'd established my self-confidence in their arena very early on.
- Or, I would have gone straight to a topic that would be covered in the meeting. Some exciting bit of new information I'd gained; a report of a meeting I'd had with the Minister or relevant CEO; or the latest research on share, electricity or house prices (or whatever is relevant). This would demonstrate immediately that I had the self-confidence and the competence to hold my ground with them, and to be of value to them from the very beginning. Being seen to be of value matters. Being on topic matters so we can look and sound confident.
Self-confidence with senior men tip 4: Talk early.
This lady stayed quiet after an initial handshake and a "hello". She stood for some time passively observing the conversation amongst the four men and even stood "on the outer". She did not look confident. I am sure this would not have helped her to feel confident nor encouraged the men to include her or take her seriously.
The tip really is simple. Start talking and joining in early on. And once you've started talking have the self-confidence to keep talking. Do not have long periods of silence in a group of men who are exuberant, talkative and engaged. If you do, they may forget you are there and then you'll need even more self-confidence to get back in the conversation. Even if you have a lack of confidence there is no need to advertise it!
Self-confidence with senior men tip 5: Prepare your self-confidence.
The final tip is simple: prepare. If you want to present with and feel self-confidence in any daunting situation prepare in advance to look and sound confident. Yes, aside from all the preparation on the content of the meeting, also prepare your own self-confidence. Practise how you'll be on walking out of the lift. Practise shaking hands confidently. Prepare three topics of conversation to talk about. Practise talking in a clear confident voice. And prepare the enthusiasm and energy you'll need to win these guys over, so when you step out of that lift you are already buzzing and they'll feel the electricity!
- Have a sense of purpose.
- Take up your space.
- Prepare to be their equal.
- And imagine warning them to be afraid, very afraid!
Do you want to know even more about having self-confidence at work? We have many suggestions on the CD set Confidence for women at work.
Plus, watch our video "Communicating with senior men at work and gaining respect".
May your self-confidence blossom. If you are competent, smart and "know your stuff" make sure you don't undermine yourself by not having sufficient presence and seeming to have a lack of self-confidence.
Written by Rachel Green: Motivational Speaker | Award-winning Communication & Networking Specialist.
Rachel is the Founding Director of Confident Woman Australia and author of 20 CDs including the "Confidence for Women" trilogy series. One of the CD sets in the series is: Confidence for women at work.
She provides dynamic and sparkling workshops and speeches on confidence for women and can come to your workplace or organisation to talk to your women's groups. Would you like your employees to be confident, to have the self-esteem and the self-belief to get the jobs done well? Even the difficult ones? Let Rachel show them how to have self-confidence at work. Read all about her workshop here: Self-confidence at work.
You can also have her speak at your conference and bring your audience alive with her popular speech: Sparkling with confidence.
Copyright Confident Woman Australia 2011.
NB: This article is for your information only and does not constitute individual advice. It is not provided as an alternative to obtaining advice from an appropriately qualified professional. Please seek the help you need to build your self-confidence.
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Reader Comments (2)
Other good tips for being taken seriously by groups of men: Steer clear of subservient behaviour - don't offer to make everyone coffee or take people's coats for them! As Rachel suggests, staying silent will do you no favours but equally don't talk rubbish - keep comments pertinent and poignant. Pitch your voice slightly lower to mirror the general tone.
There are other ways we can trip ourselves up too - a boisterous, exhuberent person (such as myself) can sometimes struggle to be taken seriously, so when I attend conferences I try not to wear too many bright colours or frilly, 'fluffy' clothes, I wear my hair up in quite a severe style and I try to temper my tendency to tell jokes when nervous. A woman who is very serious, aggressive and brusque by nature may find it helpful to do the opposite - wear more feminine clothes in lighter colours to give some balance so as not to scare the men TOO much!
I hear so many women complaining that they are expected to take minutes, make coffee, clear up after meetings etc. It is so important that if you are to feel confident with men and win their respect that you don't automatically do these things.
The other thing I have learnt is not to blab. I used to fill in their silences with trivia because I felt so uncomfortable - the less they spoke the more I blabbed! It did nothing for my self-confidence, nor for their confidence in me.
Now I just pace the guys if I am the only women there.