Passionate self-confidence can seem easily obtained but the self-examination required can be excruciating … especially when overcoming multiple sclerosis. This is one amazing, generously honest, must-read story.

At 64, I am continually evolving as a PSoL (Passionate Student of Life), SA (Spontaneity Addict) and, with maturity I am increasingly LoF, (Lots of Fun).

I relish having gained the station of elder-hood and to finally have the courage and wisdom to show up authentically and to even acknowledge myself for being a lovable person and as the resource I’ve become thanks to the many lessons of my life experience.

I see myself as a SOS* (*Sower Of Seeds) of awareness through such avenues as my books, poems, art, speaking, life and awareness coaching, workshop presentations, ESL teaching, singing silly songs, activism, risk-taking and going out on limbs. (See the claw marks.)

I divide my time between my current home in Tewantin, Queensland and Bali where I am involved supporting the bright, eager students at Campuhan College in Bali's creative centre of Ubud. I am pretty chuffed that at 62 I learned how to ride a motorbike - something completely out of my previous repertoire.

I enjoy volunteering as an ESL (English as a Second Language) teacher overseas as well as to refugees in Australia. One of my great joys is being the ‘Arjay’ (Grandmother) to a Brisbane-based family from Afghanistan: Zahra, the mum, Zaher, the dad, and their darling kids, Anwar, Aqila, Ali and Zaky. 
 
In 2002, I and other friends, founded "Buddies" a Buderim-based group who advocate for just and compassionate treatment of refugees consistent with the human rights standards which Australia has developed and endorsed. Our Buddies projects uplift refugees’ lives right now. We believe that every time a refugee receives support and caring, hope flickers a little brighter, and the energy to endure extends a little longer.

I have also worked as a volunteer in Africa with animals and HIV children.
 
As a young woman I studied gymnastics in Denmark, majored in Russian, hosted a restaurant in Afghanistan and hitchhiked across continents. Although I was born in California, Australia always reached out to me, and in 1967, at age 22, I emigrated alone to Australia. I’m currently a citizen of both USA and Australia.

In my book, "Down Under All Over - A Love Affair with Australia" I share my adventures and perceptions of Oz in the sixties and in the 80’s.
 
My most challenging adventure, however, began in 1984 when I was stricken with multiple sclerosis. It spurred me to undertake excruciatingly honest self-examination. I was shocked to discover that many areas of my life, including my body, were dysfunctional.

On the one hand I took risks, on the other hand I held myself back.

I could emigrate to Australia and hitchhike the world, but avoided honesty in my relationships.

I played aggressive sports but feared revealing my emotions.

I ran a thriving business but felt trapped by an identity that measured success in money.

My story to recovery is chronicled in my book, "Journey to Wholeness," which is not so much about a disease, as about the willingness to change, especially to change from being an “approval junky” to being a self-aware and authentic woman. The book’s subtitle says it all: "The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom".

Another day came when I realized that I had a lot to be light-hearted and happy about, but was still a very serious person. As part of my program to lighten up, I became a clown in 1995 and toured Russian hospitals and orphanages with clown/MD Patch Adams.

Since then I’ve presented "Power of Play", "Rambunctious Writing," "Clowning for Cowards" and other inspirational and uplifting workshops to adults interested in expanding their sparkle and choices, peace of mind, health and creativity.
 
My latest book, "Love or Growth: Why not both? - A Woman's Dilemma", is “a modern Western woman’s journey” in which I share my story of striving to live my spiritual and personal truth while in the context of an established relationship. 
 
Earlier this year I wrote to Rachel about my experiences in Bali and she asked if it could be published here as part of my story. This is what I wrote:

Journey into Self-Compassion, by Barbara Brewster, copyright 2009.

A week before I left Australia for Bali, intense anxiety riddled my gut. As a veteran traveller and long-time Bali inhabitant, I wondered why?

I assumed it would dissipate “Once”. Once I finish my departure preparations, once I’m on the plane, once I arrive in Bali, once I’m settled. But no. What was this related to? I could only guess that something deep and ancient within me was being flushed up in my consciousness for healing.

Shortly after arriving in Ubud, a friend invited me to teach one of my Power Of Play workshops at her yoga studio.

Even though I’d been learning lots about using intuition, intention, visions and directing energies to bring results, I watched myself descend into old paradigm strategies of “making” (in Bali!) things happen. Sitting for hours creating advertising texts, printing and laminating posters (not straightforward in Bali), posting flyers, changing prices, dates, pictures. Too preoccupied to take time for meditation, yoga, chi gong, or even for massages, (in Bali!).

I watched my anxiety increase, especially around my announcing here and there that I was offering a workshop. Even though I’m a pretty confident, self-aware, mature woman who has presented and announced my workshops for 15 years, I reverted to almost a five year old level of anxiety about being wrong, rejected, or regarded with indifference. And my announcements came out completely garbled, not truly describing the workshop. Weird.

As the workshop date approached, with no one signing up, I watched myself descend, even though I could say that everything happens for a reason, into deep fear of rejection and into increased wheel-spinning, manipulating, and massive self-judgment. Clearly, at some level, this was a set-up - by my soul - for some big healing.

Sitting in my bungalow, the evening of my so-called workshop. Nobody came. I’m tired. Numb. Sluggish. The child who wants to participate and be visible is sad and alone. I don’t want to muster the energy to go to a friend’s dinner and Kirtan tonight, but think, “It will be good for me.”

I tune in to my intuition, asking for a symbol of what it would look like for me to go to tonight’s social event. I see a dog limping among people, wanting a pat or friendly word. Feeling alien, not belonging, wandering aimless, and not getting what it wants. Others are involved with others. Next, I tune in to a symbol of me choosing to stay home tonight. I see the dog - exhausted (dog tired) curled up on a mat. Resting. Forlorn.

Picking up John O’Donohough’s Anam Cara, I read; “Frequently in a journey of the soul, the most precious moments are the mistakes. They have brought you to a place that you would otherwise have always avoided - you should bring a compassionate mindfulness to your mistakes and wounds.” (p 183)

What needs to occur so I develop a sense of "great compassion" for myself? Stop blaming myself for things I’ve done or regret - trying hard to be seen, accepted or approved of. Out comes the harsh judgment.

I tune into my subconscious, asking for a symbol of what it would be like if I chose to have great compassion for myself. I see a waterfall washing away, rinsing, cleansing “the sins of (my) world.” Refreshing. Next, I ask for a symbol of my current reality regarding bringing great compassion to myself. I see myself standing in the centre of a circle of medieval bowman. All have bows raised, taut, with the arrows pointing at me. Accusing arrows. I’m feeling very tight, stressed, uncomfortable. The Accused.

What’s the bridge? What are the steps that take me from my uncomfortable current reality to that refreshing, liberating, end result, vision?

Don’t accept their accusing. The archers don’t want to kill me - then they’d have no one to accuse. Tell them to bugger off. Stop playing the role of the accused. Walk out of the victim/accused circle. Stop agreeing with the accusing. Choose to be compassionate to myself, my life and my world.

“Endeavor to inhabit again the rhythm you were at that time [when you made mistakes],” says John O’Donohough.

Ok, I endeavor to inhabit again the rhythm I was in and who I’ve been these last two weeks, racing around trying to entice people to come to my workshop.

“Visit,” says John O’Donohough, “this configuration of your soul with forgiveness in your heart.”

What would that be like? Can I come into the rhythm of that being who so yearns to share and participate? Can I visit this configuration with forgiveness in my heart? Can I bring forgiveness to that woman having that experience? She simply longs to participate. Forgive her falling into desperation, trying, longing. Visit today’s failed workshop experience, her sorrowing and numbness and wanting to escape, hide, cry. Can I visit this configuration of her (my) soul, her moments of weakness, sorrow and loneliness with forgiveness in my heart?

I visit the woundings, strategies, manipulations, strivings, avoidings, the suckiness, the mistakes and misperceptions, the laying low, the holding back, the not speaking up, the clinging, excuses, indulgences, the over-compensating, the negativity, the self-made prisons, the inauthenticity, masks and pretences, the running away, the procrastinations - can I visit all that and more with forgiveness in my heart?

The root of all those experiences is fear. And why wouldn’t it be? That is what that girl child learned. While her social environment was not one of harshness or war, the cultural atmosphere of America in the 50’s was taut with inauthenticity, unspoken truths, unacknowledged wounds and desires.

Tonight, in Bali, I decide to bring compassion to her, her mistakes, misperceptions and woundings. I can forgive her for not knowing another way to be. As I write this I realise all this applies to X, whose actions bug me, too. And to the Taliban.

Of course she is seeking. Of course she’s yearning and will until she learns another way to be. Sometimes she is fully, powerfully where she wants to be. Sometimes she’s not. I can choose, however, to bring compassion to her oscillating and have forgiveness in my heart. Her errors arise out of her not knowing that there are other ways to be, or, out of lacking the conviction or courage to be them.

Now, I decide to bring compassion to those mistaken choices. Again, how could she be anything else but someone learning her way one step at a time?

OK. Bring compassion to all her mistakes. They arose out of fear and compensation. Doesn’t that pretty much sum up the entire human condition? Can I acknowledge this in myself, embrace it and forgive it? What would my life be like if I did? What would our world be like if everyone did?

Next day:
I’m noticing how completely free I am. What great energy I have! How easy I am about responding to queries that, no, the workshop didn’t happen. I’m unembarrassed, unapologetic, telling people, “It was an outrageously successful non-event.” I’m aware of and grateful for the gifts of the entire process. Aware of a certain freedom about “failing” - in it not turning out the way I so desperately was wanting it to. Aware that I, the essential I of me, had not been diminished. In fact, somehow, there’s an immense sense of freedom, to be accepted or not - knowing that, either way, I’m completely, wonderfully, undiminished ME."

Barbara's website and books. http://barbarabrewster.com

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