Self esteem slashed by bullying

Maintaining your self esteem at work can be difficult, especially if you are bullied. Bullying by its very nature can attack your self esteem, until you no longer think you are worthy of promotions, resources or information.

Marina, a woman in her 40s, talks about how she was bullied at work in a discussion I had with her on the “Confidence for women in social situations” CDs.

Marina's was undermined and belittled by one of her bosses. She was a competent finance administrator and would take a report she’d written to him, and he’d say it was not good enough.

However, he wouldn't say what was wrong with it. Nor would he allow her to correct it. Instead, he changed it himself. Sadly the message she took away from this was that there was something wrong with her.

This is the self esteem issue. If you are being bullied and you want to maintain a high self-esteem do not assume there is something wrong with you.

There is something wrong with the bully.

One of the results of the bullying was that Marina stopped herself from applying for a new job. She lacked the confidence and self esteem to do so.

A friend of Marina's was involved in recruitment at her workplace and challenged her to apply. She didn't. Afterwards her friend told her that she would have got the job easily.

For years I have been incensed with the lack of censure that bullies receive in the workplace. More often than not, in my experience, it is the person who is being bullied who is sent for help. As if it is her fault.

Let's consider this for a moment. If someone breaks into your home and the police come around, what do you expect the police to do? You'd expect them to track down, prosecute and punish the burglar wouldn't you?

You would not expect the police to ignore the thief and pay attention to you, the person who has been burgled, and send you off for rehabilitation, would you?

Yet this is the equivalent of what happens in some workplaces with regards to bullying.

It is important if you are being bullied that you know it is the fault of the bully and not you.

Watch their behaviours. They can be quite cruel, rude and intimidating. They can withhold resources and information from you. They can belittle, humiliate and undermine you. None of this behaviour is appropriate. It is their problem that needs fixing not yours.

Both men and women are capable of being bullies. Their behaviour is wrong. They have a problem.

Focus on the inappropriateness of their behaviour in order to protect your self esteem. They want to lower your self esteem. Don't let them get to it. Keep it under lock and key.

Marina got to the point where she believed there was something wrong with her. She even doubted her ability to write reports and came to avoid them. Her self esteem was in tatters after being bullied.

Don't let this happen to you. Protect your self esteem. Realise the bully has the problem and not you.

Comments

[Wendy Jacobsen]

Despite the anxiety and fear that can manifest when being subjected to bullying behaviour, hold firm to the belief that you must first value yourself if you want others to value you.

Wendy Jacobsen
Coordinator, Leadership Development Program
North Metropolitan Area Health Service