Confidence skills with deadpan males
I have been running my own small business for over 20 years. During this time my confidence skills have increased 100 fold, fortunately. However, I remember when I found it really difficult to negotiate with senior men.
There was one time in particular when I had to negotiate a contract with a senior male manager. I left with my self-confidence in tatters. His job was to decide whether my work with his organisation would continue or not.
This was okay except that he hardly said anything. Also, his face remained still and expressionless. Worse still, there were long periods of silence with which he seemed completely at ease, while I didn't.
I found it tough. My usual communication style was far more animated. Worse still, the less he said the more animated I became. I found myself filling his silences and blabbing.
I was so uncomfortable, I'd talk more, he'd talk less. I'd increase my facial expression. He'd remain unmoving. He'd be silent. I'd talk.
I ended up leaving his office getting nowhere and feeling stupid. It did nothing to boost my self-confidence in my business skills.
However, I was determined to stick it out. I wanted his business. Small businesses always need money!
Make sure you don't get upset by the people you meet in your business. Listen to the CD set "How to deal with difficult people without getting upset".
Over time, I learnt three key lessons to negotiate successfully.
Tip 1: Talk the same amount he does.
I had to stop blabbing and prattling. I needed to do what he did. NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) calls this "Pacing". I reduced the number of words I spoke. If he used five words, I used about 5 words.
Guess what? He started talking more! It was a good step and made negotiating much easier.
Tip 2: I stayed silent.
Instead of my filling his silence I became more comfortable maintaining the silence. I'd been told that the person who speaks first and breaks silence loses. I became determined to stay quiet.
Inside I was squirming and desperately wanted to talk or giggle. But with some confidence building self talk, such as “Don’t let him win”, “You can do this”, “It’s okay it’s only silence”, “Hold your ground”, I'd stay quiet.
More progress was made! The silences became shorter. He started filling them before I did. I felt strong. I was gaining confidence rapidly. "Yes! I can negotiate with this type of man", I thought to myself.
There was another step though.
Tip 3: Look calm.
His face gave nothing away. It's not untypical. I've met many men in business who give little away. As a woman, in contrast, I'd be full of facial expressions, smiles, and even laughter ... with hand waving thrown in as well!
Negotiating with this businessman meant I cut it all out. I stopped laughing, I had no giggles, I kept my face warm and calm with only a faintest smile. Thinking of something sad helped!
In the end, as I used a negotiation style that he was more confident with, he became more relaxed with me. He became more communicative. He even started smiling (a little) at me!
Make sure you don't get upset by the people you meet in your business. Listen to the CD set "How to deal with difficult people without getting upset".
Confidence skills with deadpan men: In summary
Women in small business will have difficult men (and women) to negotiate with. I've learnt that whenever I am negotiating with men (or women), I need to watch how they communicate. If I think their style is very different from mine, then I adjust my style to be more like theirs. This helps them to be more comfortable with me. It helps me win their respect more easily too. It helps me to win their business.
Some men have no idea why women giggle, smile or talk so much! They can find it very off-putting.
Practising in front of a mirror first helped me gain the confidence skills and communication skills I needed.
"Is it worth it?" you ask? Yes! He gave me a new contract worth thousands of dollars. This is a big boost for any small business. I also had a significant gain in self-confidence. Confidence skills help any woman in charge of a small business.
Watch our video "Communicating with senior men at work and gaining respect" to find out even more.
Rachel Green: Motivational Speaker | Small Business Owner | Networking Specialist | Emotional Intelligence Coach.
Rachel has run a small/micro business for over 20 years and has survived many economic ups and downs, whilst other businesses around her have come and gone.
She is the author of several CDs including "Confidence for women at work" and "How to deal with difficult people without getting upset".
She also runs live webinars for women in small business so you can benefit from all her successful experience. Click here to find out more and boost your self-confidence as a business owner. Book into her next webinar: Ten things I've learnt about being successful in small business.
Copyright Confident Woman Australia, 2010.
Editor
Reader Comments (2)
Jane Cummins
Martin Fields Beach Retreat
The best bit is you have shown me what to do instead. I never knew that. I am going to practise only saying 3 or 4 words. Going to be hard. Maybe I will do it in front of the mirror first.
Lindy