Hi Rachel

I’m wondering if you had covered this topic before and how we can deal with it with grace and humour (hopefully!) and keep a marriage in tact.

This is a bit close to my heart.

I’ve explained that it makes me distressed, is embarrassing, disrespectful to me and I find it offensive. You would think that would get the message across! The response is (laughing) “I’ve been doing it all my life’. Well, that is not true and he doesn’t win any points for that answer. Then he says ‘it’s OK to look but not touch’. Well, that’s a bit simplistic. I disagree and have said so. I also disagree that there is any such thing as a ‘platonic’ relationship with a 40 year old blonde (who is VERY responsive), just the lack of opportunity to take it further. You can guess by now that I don’t have much trust in my husband.

I’ve been looking at my own feelings and I think this just doesn’t get me really angry, it makes me feel really inferior and it has knocked my confidence for a six. How many other women go through the same? It seems Aussie males feel it is their right to ogle young ‘somethings’ without a care in the world for what their partners think. If the boot is on the other foot, now that’s a different story!

I’ve talked to women my own age who have also been married for a long time and most say they just would not put up with it. Others say let them go, they just look stupid.

Advice please Rachel.

Kind regards

Get yourself a makeover and start flirting with other men. If he buys girly magz buy yourself some hunky guy magZ just mirror image what he is doing

This one is hard for me because I, often, point out other women to my husband. I also point out other men. I like beauty wherever it lies and I point it out to whomever may be with me.

However, looking is different than flirting. Flirting can be innocent, it can also be suspicious. I would look at the behavior overall. Has he ever cheated? If so, then, for me, that is a deal breaker. If not, then it has nothing to do with me. So, I guess what I'm saying is, does Edna have a reason to be upset or is she reacting from a place solely within that needs her attention. If she has a reason to be upset, then she must decide if she is going to live with it or honor herself and move on. If she wants to try counseling, I would suggest "Imago Therapy" by Harville Hendrix. It's an excellent, non-blaming therapy that helps each person truly understand the other person. Good luck, Edna.

I am not sure what is best to say – because every relationship is different.

What does worry me is your drop into self-doubt … so here is something for you to do.

How about you start a journal where each day you write ten things you like about yourself, or you have done well that day or in which you have been kind, or generous or thoughtful, or skilful. It doesn't have to be anything big; a smile to a stranger in the street, saying thank you to the shop assistant, anything.

Do this for two weeks and each day read everything you have written.

It may only be positive.

Irrespective of your husband you are a wonderful woman, he is not you and you are more than your relationship with him. This will help keep him in perspective and you give you a more solid foundation of self –confidence.

Let us know how you are doing and I am happy to comment further until you feel good about yourself again and your self-confidence returns.

Well Caz- your reply really made me laugh (not at you!) I'm just wondering how that sort of competition will end up. How do you know when its time to stop?

Therese- I looked up the Imago Therapy. Very interesting. Yes he has cheated but it was along time ago.Trust is a very hard thing to reclaim. I struggle with that but I also have found foregivness. Underlying depression doesn't help and I think at times the flirting is a misdirected attempt to gain self esteem. There's a history of neediness and wanting instant gratification when not feeling good about himself. I've done the counselling bit on my own and when it's come to his turn to join, there's been a multitude of excuses why he can't get there, 'and after all, your'e now fixed up, so that's good'(?). The last one was hilarious. I had 4 sessions (basically bawling my eyes out and talking dribble) and the therapist wanted me to talk to an empty chair as if it was him. I just didn't get it...maybe it was a new idea but it wasn't explained well. My sense of humour does get me into trouble at times!

Rachel- I'll do it. I have learned to start my day with a cup of tea on the veranda and acknowledging everything I am grateful for. I understand that I am not him. I think some women accept change faster than some men. I started marriage at 18 years of age from a very 'back' position. 44 years on I think hang on, I have a right to have an opinion, a right to work, learn and have my own money. Men who fear those changes or your percieved growing independance AND confidence find that hard to accept. I love change and the opportunities that it presents. Acceptance of our differences I feel demonstrates mutual respect.

I'll let you know how I go. Right now, having talked about it, I feel pretty good. Thank you all.

Good news hearing your confidence is back on the rise Edna - good good good!

The empty chair technique is a standard technique and I like it for me - I will talk to anything - the waves, the rocks, a chair - it is just a way to say what you'd like to say to someone but without anyone getting hurt. I know one person who had to vent his feelings on a bean bag - good therapy I hear. Such techniques certainly help me move through emotions and regain my self-confidence.

Goodness you have been married 44 yrs - what a stayer you are - you deserve a medal for loyalty. And without meaning to be rude - maybe his dreams are just that dreams! Or have you got some amazing sex bomb there in his 60s that you haven't told us about?

Me thinks some people get more rigid in their views as they get older and some more flexible and mellow and insightful ... so if he isn't into accepting change by now then maybe he won't be. You have the power in your own hands to change as you need.

Keep that confidence building.
Let yourself shine, if you don't do this now when will you?

Thank you Rachel.

After two three day stints away from home I have a much clearer perspective on the issues. I also had a ball.

I am now focussed on me, and my wellbeing. There are going to be big changes in my life for the better.

Thanks you once again for this forum and the support it gives.

Edna, I am so pleased for you - your confidence sounds at a much higher level than before.

With confidence most things are possible! We look forward to hearing of the big changes - that will help the rest of us too.

Let yourself shine - you deserve it.
Rachel.

I decided that the only person you can change is yourself.

I have left the marriage. It's now week 8. I won't say it's been easy but I know it was the right decision. This man was my first and only boyfriend from the age of 15. That's an investment of 45 years. The adjustments are huge. Each day I thank my lucky stars that I retained just enough self confidence to make the decision which I know was right for me. I’m aware of the challenges ahead and ready to face them.

The things I have left behind do not matter- even my garden! I really thought that was the only thing keeping me there!- how silly. I can start a new garden anywhere, even in a pot!

What matters is my children' love and continued connection with my precious grandsons. Of course there is shock for the adults kids in my life. Two are being manipulated by their father but they are coming around and I know when they see me happy, they will understand why I left. Thanks to IT I can learn something new and Skype the grandsons (wish me luck that it will work)

The emotional ups and downs have surprised me but I am learning to welcome them and put them where they belong. A good cry is OK. I apologise for swearing at the seagulls!

The changes are mostly good. I advise you get a wonderful woman family lawyer if you get into this position. While money is a completely secondary need to great relationships, she will confirm what your 'wealth' is worth. You may be very pleasantly surprised. Money does matter so that you have future choices.

I meet so many women trapped in similar relationships, and I feel for them. There are few places for them to go where they feel comfortable. Often they have no idea of the resources available, especially in rural and remote areas. But there are many- Anglicare (almost free) Relationships Australia (more resources coming) and if you don't have a good and caring GP- I hope you find one like mine.

My pledge to other women is this. When, and I know I will win lotto, I will build or buy a place for women like me so they have a safe haven, a place to be protected and nurtured, so that when they are ready , they can move on to become the wonderful women that all rural women are.

I have so many blessings, but the best of all are my wonderful girlfriends who I THANK every day.

Now I can disclose it, my real name is

Chris

Dear Chris,

What a wonderful and amazing woman you are, not because you have or have not left your husband, but because you have had the courage to do what is right for you. You have opened the door for so many other women who are stuck in misery to find a path through it.

I hear the joy singing in your heart - along with the quivers of nervousness about an uncertain future ... but what an inspiration you are.

And your dream brought tears to my eyes: "When, and I know I will win lotto, I will build or buy a place for women like me so they have a safe haven, a place to be protected and nurtured, so that when they are ready , they can move on to become the wonderful women that all rural women are."

May your confidence keep on growing and the joy keep singing, and may all of your family be at peace with your decision ... and your husband also find a way through to the new path his life has taken.
Blessings
Rachel.

good work