Grey hair halts self concept development
My friend started pulling out her grey hairs when she was in her thirties. Even though it hurt she'd stand in front of the mirror each morning, desperate to find any interlopers. Once found, they didn't stand a chance. Out they came. She can't stand grey hair. It doesn't fit her self concept.
Now she is dying her hair. She likes to think she is younger than she really is, and she wants to stay young. She doesn't want to admit to being her real age. What kind of self concept is this?
Why is it that women with grey hair, often hide it? Is it because their concept of self is of a young woman with brown, red, blonde or black hair? It's not because there is something inherently wrong with the colours of grey, white or silver. It's what these colours represent to them that bothers them, isn't it?
If you don't like your grey hair, how secure are you in who you are? My friend is not secure enough in herself to show herself, as she really is, to the world. She is not secure enough in who she is and how old she is to show the real colour of her hair.
Instead, she spends time worrying about whether her roots will show. She wonders whether she needs to return to the hairdressers. She starts asking herself whether she should give her hair another rinse to cover up the supposedly “embarrassing” grey and white sections that are peeping through? And then she wonders what else she can do to pretend her real hair isn't grey.
Goodness, our sisters in other countries are dying of starvation and AIDS and being raped and bombed. They are also burying their children. Are grey hairs really that bad? We have it so good in Australia that we’ve started worrying about things that really don’t matter.
Of course, I encourage my buddy to let her true hair colour emerge. After all, I’m not asking her to do anything I wouldn’t. I'm grey, naturally grey. I believe grey is as beautiful as brown or blond. I also believe that grey is not worth bothering about.
"Oh, it's okay for you", she'll protest, "your grey hair really suits you. Mine doesn’t."
"How would you know?" I ask. "You've never given yourself the chance to find out how beautiful you are with grey hair. You are such a wonderful woman; let your real self shine. After all, I love you to bits! We've hung around together for a long time. I'd still love you with grey hair or no hair.”
"But you have such lovely grey hair" she fights back. "The rest of us aren't so lucky. Some grey hair is yucky." She was prepared to stand her ground even though she'd never seen herself with grey hair. She'd always let the bottle hide it from sight.
“The issue here is not the colour of your hair, my hair or anyone’s hair. Honestly, I don't care whether it's green, brown or white. What I do care about is how secure and confident your self concept is as you get older.”
She sighed.
“Who gives a toss that you've got grey hair. If people in their 20s had grey hair and it turned brown with age, you'd be dying it grey. It's an age related issue, not a colour issue.”
“There is nothing wrong with looking beautiful”, she said.
“You can be beautiful with grey hair. Hiding your grey hair suggests to me that you might be feeling a bit vulnerable about ageing. I wonder if you’re looking at the negative sides of getting older rather than finding a way to feel confident, strong and complete whatever your age?” I rested and let up! There is only so much one can do to persuade a dear friend.
On the other hand I was delighted last time I went to my hairdresser to find that, for once, I was not the only woman in the salon with grey hair. The lady who had the next appointment with my hairdresser had a beautiful mop of grey hair.
“Are you attracting all the grey haired ladies?” I said to my hairdresser. She laughed, “No, I have spent months persuading her to let her natural grey come out. She looks much better than when she first came in to see me. She had some artificial colour that aged her skin. She looks striking now, don’t you think?”
“Absolutely yes.”
Just in case you are wondering, my hairdresser is not grey and is in her thirties. How wonderful one of the top hairdressers in town is supporting women to be their true selves.
By the way, I am not talking about some backwater kind of hairdresser. She is one of the very top hairdressers at Toni and Guy. However, so many women want to dye their hair Toni and Guy have a whole floor of this particular salon devoted just to the colouring process.
What does all this say about our self concept?
Until we as women can secure ourselves a healthy self image as women, how can we be truly happy with who we are? And how can the rest of the world truly appreciate us for our wisdom, beauty and wonder?
Are you going to hide your grey hair as you age? Or, are you going to ensure your self concept is one of beauty irrespective of your hair colour?
Self concept 
Reader Comments (12)
But, I'm too chicken! My skin has a yellow tinge to it and I'm worried that grey hair will make me look tired or sick.
A friend has stopped dyeing her hair and she says it's liberating!
Next time my roots start to show, I'll talk to my hairdresser about going au naturel and see what she recommends.
Thanks for the article
As for skin colour I think your body will work it out and when you have your natural hair colour it will naturally look good with your skin colour. In contrast when you dye your hair I think it makes your skin tonings stand out so women look more pale and tired. That is not good for confidence!
Maybe we should have a whole article with pictures of readers with grey hair!
Let yourself shine.
Rachel.
Let's all reclaim our natural beauty as women, whatever our age, we don't have to follow the push of the fashion gurus in terms of hair colour, make-up or even clothes - after all they are only doing what they do to make money.
There is NOTHING wrong with grey hair it is just another colour.
Keep your confidence up
Rachel.
Blessings
Rachel.
I said that grey hair was not seen as a choice for most women as they thought there was stigma attached to it, that other people would reject them because of it, and that they were in some way no longer attractive or beautiful because of it.
My dream is to dissolve the stigma so women do feel free and happy to choose grey hair.
It is the same issue that surrounds women's self-esteem - we are in danger of not being free women but of being slaves to the fashion industry, to the media, to the opinion of others, and to our appearance.
The beauty and self-confidence of a woman is much deeper than her hair colour, body weight or fashionable ear-rings. We need to ditch the trivial and find the real wisdom and joy within our lives.
Of course, men with grey hair are meant to be distinguished! Have you ever heard that said about women? All I've heard is that it makes us look old!
Keep your lovely self-confidence - we need good role models.